Why I'm Abandoning The Lists I Used to Love

10 ways to lose belly fat, 7 signs you found your soul mate, 5 reasons to become vegetarian
3 signs you’re doomed…
Online media that publish articles like this actually ask for this format and writers accommodate. It’s easily digestible, grabs attention, and is only 8, 7 or 6 steps to remember. Simple and clickable. Sometimes the authors are writers by profession, other times just bloggers writing their opinions or perspectives, and sometimes they are qualified professionals with well researched advice. It’s up to the reader to discern the difference and it’s important that we do so. These articles are successful commodities for websites that host them – they are liked and shared and go viral multiple times and then are recirculated endlessly even years later. It’s a brilliant idea and there’s nothing really wrong with them. In fact, I used to really love them.
As with all things we consume though, buyer beware. When you’re writing a list you aren’t obligated to provide any other balancing viewpoint – you have 500  words to quickly get your point across for this one area and why it benefits people. Not only is it simple marketing techniques that are effective, but it also just makes sense. Again, readers need to be critical thinkers and find their own balance.
These lists I think have potential to be misleading. While some may be grounded in research, many masquerade as scientific or infallible proof and  many are doused in hearty doses of personal opinion. People share it because it supports their views which is fair, but to assume it’s a one size fits all equation is a bit risky when it comes to our health and relationships in particular.
There are no magic lists that work for everyone, particularly in the area of relationships. We are each unique and not only do our body’s need customized approaches for health and nutrition, but we also each love and are loved in customized ways. We come from different backgrounds with different influences, role models, developmental gaps and resiliency. I read many of those lists and think…that’s not the kind of relationship I want, that’s not what I think is appropriate to do or think or behave, that’s not even close to who I am… stop telling me what to do!
A healthy relationship looks different from couple to couple but I believe strongly that it is made up of two health individuals first and foremost with a good friendship and good communication skills. In addition they need more than chemistry, they need compatibility, and that can look and be interpreted in dramatically different ways by each person.  I don’t believe in deficit -based relationships. The ones that say – this is what I need and it’s my job to communicate it to you, but your job to fulfill it. This is where you fill up the rest of me that is empty or this is where you complete me.
I believe in health – which means two people are whole and give to one another out of abundance. I am responsible for my own health and happiness and when I do what I need to do for that, I am able to give to you out of that fullness. When a person is healthy they don’t take things too personally, they give and do their best, they are authentic to who they truly are, and they don’t have unrealistic expectations of another. (Yes, I borrowed that from my favourite list of four…The Four Agreements). They avoid most of the relationship pitfalls that we see in these list shares in fact because the perception of conflict is different and their ability to fully accept another rather than changing them is increased. When individuals take responsibility for their own stuff and work on what they need to so that they know who they are and live in the world authentically, they can flourish in relationships with others without having to change for any relationship list. Many of the couples I see for couples counselling actually need more individual work on themselves first.
My “list” isn’t a one size fits all because the concepts are part of our unique expression. It’s less about what you do or what “to do” and more about who you are. Health. Friendship. Compatibility. Communication. It’s a short list where no one is the bad guy or no one gets the finger pointed at them for not doing or being enough in the right or ‘enough’ way. When you take care of who you are in a way that allows you to be a consistent and genuine version of your true self I believe you have the best chance at a successful relationship when you find the same personal responsibility in another.
Stop checking off lists, comparing to others, or looking for tricks that don’t resonate with the kind of relationship you want. Filter out what you read as personal opinion that you can selectively take or leave, including this one.  This is as general as any other “list”. I am a writer, and a researcher, and qualified professional, but this is still bathed in my opinions – both personally and professionally informed. It’s more than 800 words and I didn’t put it in list format. Because after all, I’m abandoning lists.

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