Finding people you can resonate with. Being seen. That someone gets you and knows you accurately.
This is what we’re all seeking. And because it’s so rare, we often settle for less or try to “sell” ourselves to others in hopes that they will “get” us.
The truth is that people that really see you are not disillusioned by who others think you are or by who you try to be – they have a sense of knowing you to your core without explanation. It’s levels below simple conversation or understandings – and we all want it.
Here’s the deal. People will love you or hate you and everything in between and it has nothing to do with you.
So why are we expending so much energy into relationships with people that don’t get us or are committed to misunderstanding us?
Maybe because we haven’t been taught any other way.
This is one of the reasons that people come into therapy. The absence of this attunement – this “knowing” in their personal lives. If they find the right fit in a therapist – they get one hour a week of time with someone that is totally present, totally accepting, and seeing them.
It’s gold when it happens. It’s a gift.
In this society we do spend so much time wearing masks, changing who we are depending on who we’re with like chameleons and creating drama and conflict out of frustration and chronic miscommunication.
It’s a spinning teacup and beyond dizzying, it’s chaotic and unsatisfying.
Do you have people that really see you in your tribe?
How do you know if someone really gets you? Here’s some markers…
1. Your nervous system knows.
Check in with it – how do you feel emotionally, mentally, physically? Is your body tense or relaxed? Are your thoughts calm or racing? Do you feel depressed or anxious?
When you are with someone with a grounded nervous system and someone that you resonate with it feels good.
You feel positive things. There’s an ease to it.
There’s the sense that you can show up just as you are and be fully accepted and celebrated, not merely tolerated.
Think about how you feel after time with certain people in your life.
If you feel activated, nervous, or frustrated – there’s a disconnect there.
2. Benefit of the doubt is the umbrella.
In your interactions with that person directly, in your interactions with others, there is always an overlying benefit of the doubt of your character and authenticity.
These people know you and your values and in conversations with you and others, they hold that to be true over gossip, hearsay, and misunderstanding.
Your people don’t believe things about you that are untrue.
When they ask you a question and you answer truthfully, you are believed over others simply based on your word.
If you have to explain something 5 different ways, defend yourself, or try to convince or over-explain to try and be heard, believed, understood – it’s because that person doesn’t really know you.
People that get you regardless of the time you have known them, accept your word as the end of the story.
3. Conflict is handled quickly and with emotional intelligence.
All relationships have conflict – healthy relationships included.
They are supposed to. We are all works in progress.
If you’ve done your work the way I hope you are doing, then you are also abiding by these principles.
And because we are all works in progress, there will be times of misunderstanding.
People that get you and feel comfortable with you won’t allow petty conflict or drama to drive a wedge in the connection.
They will seek to resolve it quickly and with a sense of maturity in the overall big picture.
Above all, regardless of conflict, or level of communication skill, your people are respectful and eager to work things out.
4. You have priority sequence.
People that know you and really see you inherently know your value to their life.
People that know you let you know that you matter to them.
You don’t have to compete for their attention because you are one of their favourite people and the connection reassures you that you don’t have to question it.
Again – these people accept and celebrate all of who you are.
There are no sales pitches, you don’t have to earn you way up.
They get you – know you – appreciate you – just as you are for all that you are.
You can’t make someone else get you.
Drop your sales pitch and lose the mask.
They either do or they don’t. This connection isn’t tangible or manipulated, so let it go.
Some people will grow into an understanding of you, you and others will need to work through your own stuff or deal with your own life issues sometimes.
Not everyone will get you 100% all the time and that’s ok. Bring awareness to the people that see you more often than not.
Bring space to those who don’t, or can’t be bothered to try.
Be aware of where you energy is going. You want more people around you that bring ease to your life, not the opposite.
People that can’t ‘see’ you aren’t bad – and neither are you, because you won’t resonate with everyone either.
It just is. Let it be without reading too much into it.
Stop trying so hard!
Relationships all take effort and work but it’s just too much work with people that don’t know you accurately.
Put that effort into people that really do, or really want to. And be the kind of person to others that you want in your life as well.
If you find your person… your people, make sure you appreciate them.
Show gratitude for the gift of knowing them and allow them to really know you. This is what we’re here for – these kinds of relationships.
They are magic and make this journey so much richer.
Do you struggle with finding healthy relationships? Connect with me about this [email protected]
