7 Tips for Managing Grief

Grief is one of the most painful emotions that we can feel and it can show up in more areas and experiences than just with the physical death of a loved one. Grief can present in any area of loss and when we work with it in therapy we name it as it appears and work through it accordingly.
This is the one area in SRT that we don’t try to titrate or minimize the experience. The body knows how to grieve – it’s overwhelming and takes up the entire room – and what we want to do in session is allow that move through. If we try to titrate the overwhelm with grief, if we try and “manage” it or hold it back, it just gets stuck. If not in the mind through prolonged grieving, then in the body in some somatic form.
For anyone that has experienced the loss of a loved one you’ll be already familiar with the stages of grief. Those aren’t necessarily linear and we don’t go through each phase and then reach acceptance and the grief ends. In fact, we can jump around those stages and circle back and repeat and start all over again.
Some grief reminders:
1. Everyone thinks they have the corner market on how to grieve. How long it should take, what it feels like, how to do it, what phase you’re in. You will hear platitudes and cliches that are more irritating than helpful. People mean well but grief makes everyone uncomfortable. Smile and nod is the tactic we who have experienced this will employ as we seek exits to escape from.
The truth is – is that grief is intensely personal. It’s not the same for each loss. It doesn’t have a timetable. It’s never convenient. It hurts. Intensely.
2. Be cautious with “Grief counselling” and support groups. These, in the traditional way are not something I particularly support for many reasons. One of those is that grief is like a magnet. It will bring up previous grief and anticipated grief – for the griever but also for everyone around you. It can be like a black hole sucking in everyone and pulling everyone out of this moment and into a sticky pit of time warps and twilight zones.
What is better is to work through grief with someone that is really grounded and has worked through their grief – someone that can hold the space and not get overwhelmed with you but be a co-regulater. That’s my job.
3.Grief is different if the death is expected versus unexpected. There is a layer of shock that is present in unexpected deaths that needs to be worked on from a trauma perspective. This is different than how we work with the grief piece but both will overlap. It’s essential that both are worked through with the right therapist in the right way.
I have personally experienced more of the shock form of loss and grief than the expected variety. It is very different and more intense. The right approach to work through it was essential.  For some the shock has bigger impact than the grief – for others the reverse is true.
My best friend died in a motorcycle accident three years ago. I was the last text he sent that night before riding home. The shock and residual grief was more profound than others I had experienced – even moreso than the death of my kids’ father. Three years later, much of the grieving has passed but there are layers that continue even still. The connection was different. He was more than my best friend, he was a soulmate, with a connection deeper, longer, and more spiritual than others I have known … than anyone I have known. The shock passed but the grief remained and has continued and I have learned to be gracious with myself with that. I was the love of his life and didn’t know it until he died. And the day he did I realized he was mine also.
4. Some grief doesn’t end. At least not in the way the books say it should. Some people and some connections are so close to you that you manage the grief, but it doesn’t leave in the way we hope or expect. That’s ok. Don’t let anyone shame you for this or tell you not to. One of the greatest gifts in life is to have a closeness of spirit with someone so deep that them no longer being in our lives has an impact for the rest of our time here. Without them life is different -every day in ways that we notice. This too will come in waves – some days will have sweet memories and other days will hold painful tears. You are human. And you loved someone deeply. That is beautiful in both it’s celebration and it’s sadness.
5. Expect the overwhelm. In my own work the kinds of things that helped move it through in therapy are the same tools I use in my sessions with others. We notice the grief, we track it physically, we give tears words. What would we say to them if we could have a conversation? What would they say to us? Where can we imagine them where they would be happy and have peace? What will we miss the most about them?
These are painful questions that bring up raw and strong emotions but they help the grief move through – they allow it to be unencumbered and supported. They offer us the opportunity to create meaning and a legacy. They keep the best parts of them with us and help reinforce positive memories over the layers of shock and grief. It is intensely painful. But it does get better.
The first 3-4 months are excruciating. The first year of anniversaries is heart wrenching. After that we start to feel more like ourselves again but every anniversary can be expected to stir up grief. Again, don’t stifle it, allow it to move through like a wave. The triggers are going to be there – some we can mitigate with preparation.
6. Be selfish. Radical self care is essential. Identify what it is that you need. To be with people or alone? To spend this anniversary how? To make meaning which way? Don’t live in the moment for the expected triggers – be selfish about what you need to get through them. Allow grace for the ones that catch you off guard – like that song on the radio or in the grocery store, or the sound of a motorcycle, the smell of cologne or the glimpse of something familiar.
7. Create new meaning. These questions and this experience will teach you about yourself, your capacity to love, your capacity to heal. You will start to create meaning from the time you had with someone. For me – even though in my faith I never feel alone… since the death of my best friend – I feel extra comfort and presence from him. He’s still the first person I want to call when good things happen and when bad things happen. I allow myself to feel comfort from the perspective he would give me if he were still alive. I find comfort in knowing that on my loneliest or most difficult days that I had someone on this planet really see me, get me, know me – one person I never needed to explain or defend myself to because he knew my goodness so deeply. He was my person and I am grateful to have had that at least once.
It’s not a romanticized version – the people in our life are not perfect and we will have a tendency to only remember the good about them even though there were likely bad times and unsavoury qualities. They call this the Messiah complex.  But death is not a time to balance the scales – and people that don’t understand your grief will try to remind you that your person was not perfect. We know people aren’t perfect, but the legacy of a person’s life as they imprint on yours allows for a positive reframing. Wouldn’t you want that for yours? Remembering someone’s bad qualities does not help your grief – it just changes it to bitterness. Remember the good in others the way you would want your remembered.
You can’t quantify or measure grief – stop trying to intellectualize it and just let it be. Like rolling waves. We know it gets easier – in some ways. And if you are grieving right now – I am so sorry that you are hurting. Please be extra kind to yourself right now. Don’t try and push through this. Find ways to honour the loss of your loved one and know that you have all the time you need to recover.